Friends with Benefits
by Tari Roo
Summary: Semi-sequel to Apoplectic Denial. Sheldon vs McKay equals war. Woolsey resorts to getting in a mediator - Leonard.


Friends with Benefits

Author: Tari_Roo

Rating: PG (Gen)

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I profit from nothing. But if I did… Firefly would still be on, SGA would be as well and Thor would be a regular on both shows.

Summary: Semi-sequel to Apoplectic Denial. Sheldon vs McKay equals war. Woolsey resorts to getting in a mediator - Leonard.

Spoilers: None, but you kinda have to know the shows. Post S5 SGA.

AN: I had to – I make no apologies.

"Dr Hofstadter? Richard Woolsey."

Leonard tried to stop staring at 'everything' long enough to find the hand of the man in charge and shake it with enthusiasm.

"Welcome to Atlantis."

Tongue struggling to get his brain to catch up long enough to reply, Leonard stammered, "Th, th, thanks. Wow. This is…"

The pride was audible as Mr Woolsey hmmmed, "Yes. It is … something, isn't it?"

And what a something it was. A truly ancient, mythical, *alien* city in another galaxy and Leonard Hofstadter was standing in front of an actual device that created wormholes that he had just stepped through. Hell, who could blame him for being a little overawed, starstruck and overwhelmed. Mr Woolsey appeared to be prepared for this sort of reaction, as he was smiling in what could have been a patronizing fashion, but could also have been pleased.

Leonard desperately wanted to run out through those impressive doors, and to stare out at an alien world, but he also desperately wanted to go find out how the wormhole device worked and he desperately wanted to just stop, stare and take it all in. He was on an alien world in another galaxy.

\\o/ Emoticon Double Arms of Yay to nth degree.

After what may have been a longer than normal pause, Leonard finally forced himself to look at Mr Woolsey, head on. And nearly wet himself. The man looked uncannily like the holographic Doctor. Not a twin, or clone, just… close enough to make Leonard want to say, 'Please state the nature of your emergency – damp underwear.'

"Ah, ah, sorry, sir," Leonard shook Mr Woolsey's hand again, all the while all grinning like a loon and continued with, "It's an honour to be here, sir. Really it is."

"Quite," Mr Woolsey replied and waved Leonard forward, "This way, Dr Hofstadter." Leonard practically levitated up the staircase, his mouth open in wonder at the stained glass, alien tech panels, the not-quite right blue ocean outside. Mr Woolsey's office was a fishbowl and looked as neat and professional as one could imagine. The neat row of monte blanc pens, the pristine laptop, and neat manila folders all screamed 'home away from Earth'.

The seat was comfortable, the air still bracing and fresh, tangy with salt and Leonard knew he was still grinning manically but he couldn't help it. Richard Woolsey sat behind his desk, steepled his fingers and sighed. That did not bode well, but Leonard didn't care. Atlantis! Oh Raj and Howard were going to die! Literally! Of green, vile, terminal envy.

"Dr Hofstadter, I believe you were briefed as to why you are here?" Woolsey began, hesitantly but Leonard nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes, sir. I was… briefed."

And here briefed was a euphemism for escorted out of his apartment in the middle of the night by scary government agents, flown to an unknown destination, taken *underneath* a mountain and then made to sign a mountain of paperwork.

As terrified as he had been, which was pretty darn terrified and worried that this had something to do with Joyce Kim, as Leonard had sat in a utilitarian, blank, government cell *underneath* a mountain, he already had had the suspicion, nay, hope that this was something about Sheldon. His roommate. His 'I'm going to a secret government base and I can't tell you why or where' roommate. One blessed week, a 'Sheldon-free, able to sit where he wished, eat what he wanted and watch Babylon Five' week.

It was a logical deduction: Sheldon = government secret base. Sheldon = batshit crazy. Leonard now in secret government base. Leonard had been Sheldon's roommate. Conclusion: Sheldon had gone crazy and killed everyone, or turned himself into Darth Spock or … whatever. The sane roommate was now needed.

Or Sheldon had spilled the beans about Joyce Kim and Leonard was going to prison.

Fortunately it had just been Sheldon being himself. And for the first time in eight long years that he'd known and suffered through being friends with Dr Sheldon Cooper, Leonard blessed the day he'd met him.

Because the secret government base was in Atlantis.

Sheldon was on Atlantis. And now, so was Leonard.

"Excellent. Then you understand our predicament," Mr Woolsey sighed, looking sternly at Leonard.

Hofstadter nodded, "Yes. You hired Sheldon Cooper."

Woolsey rolled his eyes, and growled, "Yes. Against my better judgment and now…"

"You can't send him home because he is pathologically incapable of keeping a secret and is refusing to leave anyway," Leonard smirked, realized that he shouldn't be smirking and tried to straighten his face. Mr Woolsey did not appreciate the smirk as he peered through his glasses and snapped, "Exactly. And please do not mistake why you are here, Dr Hofstadter, you are here purely to 'facilitate' a resolution."

"Sheldon-wrangling 101, got it." Leonard paused and offered a small, what he hoped would be taken as such, olive branch. "Mr Woolsey, I am quite clear on the fact that neither my work or capabilities warrant being aware of, let alone visiting such a wonderful place. And as delighted as I am to be here, I understand the serious nature of the circumstances. Sheldon is brilliant… and well… difficult."

"The understatement of the century, Dr Hofstadter. And I have a lot of brilliant and difficult people on this base," Woolsey offered, but his demeanor did not unstiffen or relax. Trying to look as serious as one could when on an alien planet for the first time, Leonard nodded and said firmly, "What can I do then, sir?"

"Diffuse a bomb."

Turned out it was a figurative bomb luckily because Leonard didn't think he had the nerves for an actual bomb. And it was a bomb he was an expert in handling, hence his presence on the oh-so-secretive base. Sheldon in a snit.

Sheldon had barricaded himself in one of the labs, his apparently despite numerous demands to get a larger, more prominent one as befitting his stature and importance. A fortuitous placement though as it gave him access to a node of the Ancient Mainframe and he'd managed to hack in and wrest control of a life support system. A not-too critical system, hence the fact that they were still trying negotiation over sending in the very literal Marines. But a life support system nonetheless.

The plumbing.

And Sheldon was threatening to create a literal shit storm.

As Leonard approached the section of the Science labs were the standoff was in progress, he couldn't help the smile as Sheldon's irate-cum-calm tones could be heard over the shouts of another equally irate but nowhere near calm man.

"I will ensure that the entire overflow starts in your quarters, Dr. McKay. I will guarantee it!"

"And I will guarantee that you are spaced through the nearest space gate, Cooper!"

It wasn't the most tensely armored standoff Leonard had ever seen, outside of television that is. There were a gaggle of scientist types in the sectioned area, all staring at a closed door. The only military presence was a dark haired, dressed in black, officer and a very tall, dreadlocked man in odd clothing. Both had odd looking weapons in hand and as much as Leonard had often wanted to shoot Sheldon, he didn't really want to see his friend go down in a hail of gunfire. Over shit.

Okay, maybe he did just a little.

Mr Woolsey cleared his throat, the collected parties turned to look at the interruption and a red faced balding man shouted, "I'm blowing the door, Woolsey. I don't care, I'm…"

A raised eyebrow derailed the tirade and the military officer sighed, "Rodney. Don't make me get Ronon to give you a time out."

Rodney snorted but retreated to glower in red silence, and everyone backed away from the door. Woolsey and Leonard approached, with Leonard feeling increasingly nervous. The officer was looking at him with an appraising considering look and the other guy was just plain staring. A lot was resting on his Sheldon-wrangling skills and well… it was going to be a little difficult to call Mrs Cooper if it came to that and he needed back up. Woolsey nodded and Leonard found himself alone-ish at the door. Clearing his throat, Leonard ran through the best ways to persuade Sheldon to do anything and knocked on the door. "Sheldon?"

"Leonard? Thank heavens you're here."

Sheldon sounded… sacred. And Leonard felt sympathy rise for his friend, but instead he calmly replied, "Yeah, it's me. And can I just say … I informed you thusly?"

A beat of heavy, unseen silence and Sheldon sighed, "They're trying to send me home, Leonard."

If Leonard had been excited to be on Atlantis, Sheldon must have been beside himself with unadulterated glee. They had obviously only told him about Atlantis after he left for the secret government base, because otherwise… the whole world would have known.

"So I hear, Sheldon."

"They're mean… and rude … and don't appreciate my brilliance… and are trying to KILL me."

The all caps was audible and Leonard nodded in sympathy. Sheldon wasn't done, "And you certainly did not tell me so! You could hardly conceive of a scenario where I'd have to defend my career and life on an alien world!"

"Oh, you'd be surprised," Leonard muttered but then said more loudly, and clearly, "Sheldon, I'm going to lay out a scenario for you.. kay?"

"I hardly see how that is going to help the situation, but since you're here and it will annoy McKay… fine."

Shooting a glance at their audience, Leonard smiled wanly and said, "If this were a sci fit tv series, about scientists on Atlantis…"

"It'd be an awesome show," Sheldon interjected.

"Yes, yes, it would. But if you were watching this scene… with some 'guest' character holed up in a lab threatening to, ah … back up the sewers, how do you see it all ending?" Leonard offered, leaning against the cool, not quite metal but cool as in awesome, door.

Studded silence was followed by a petulant whine, "Who's to say that this isn't the pilot episode of a brilliant series about a man who saves the universe with his brilliance… once the others back the hell off!"

Nodding, Leonard injected as much sincerity as he could, "And how certain are you that you're not a red shirt, Sheldon?"

The door cracked open enough for Leonard to glimpse irate Sheldon-eyes, "Spock is not a red-shirt!"

"Yes… but pilot episodes do not always get picked up and made into a series, Sheldon," Leonard explained, patiently. The door cracked open a little more, and Leonard could see the wild state of his friend's hair, and unshaven face. "This one could!"

Nodding, Leonard tried to impress the seriousness of the situation through a look and said quietly, "Not if you keep acting like a crazy person, Sheldon."

"I'm not crazy, my…"

"mother had you tested, I know," Leonard finished and Sheldon glared. But the door was open and Sheldon was listening. "I get that you don't want to go home, Sheldon, and I'm not saying that you should, but this is not making your case for a prolonged stay."

Nevermind that actually he could never leave, Sheldon snarled, "McKay is trying to kill me. I have been scheduled for missions to deadly worlds, assigned unsafe working conditions, threatened with citrus…"

"Citrus? Whatever … I have a proposal, a sanctioned proposal, ok?"

Sheldon was glaring at the McKay who was glaring in return. And if looks could superheat molecules, there'd be a laser in the room. "I'm listening."

This was the crucial part, getting Sheldon to actually listen. "You understand that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, right?"

"Of course, that's a given."

"And you understand that there are a number of very intelligent people on this base…"

"That is debatable."

"And an even longer list of scientists who would happily sell their souls to be here in your place."

"Now you are just stating the obvious, Leonard."

"Good. So as you listen to the terms of the proposal, bear all of the above in mind, and that considering your difficulties with secrets that there is real possibility of being locked up in a nameless, internetless government prison for the rest of your life."

Sheldon seemed impressed enough that Leonard continued, "You restore control of the plumbing to Dr Zelenka and they will transfer you out of Physics and into Engineering."

"But I am a theoretical physicist in space, Leonard, in space! Not an Engineer!"

"You will relocate your lab to the Engineering block and they won't send you on any away missions."

"But what if they need… alien worlds, Leonard, alien worlds! Away missions!"

"Last," and Sheldon was looking constipated, "Dr. McKay will apologise and you will apologise." Twin squawks of outrage echoed through the room. Leonard stopped Sheldon's outburst by simply mouthing, "Guantanamo Bay, Shelly."

Behind them, Dr McKay was being corralled into a corner by the guys with guns. "I don't care, Sheppard, I will not apologise! Stop playing with that cannon, Ronon! You do not scare me." Woolsey was nodding 'go on' anyway and Leonard quickly stepped in closer and hissed, for Sheldon only, "Lesser of two evils, Sheldon and you can practice your sarcasm. You don't have to mean the apology."

"But…."

"You are on Atlantis, Sheldon! Surely that's a big enough reward for swallowing your pride."

Sheldon normally thought at light speed so it was strange to see the cogs whirring, the wheels ticking over as he considered his options, weighed the feasibility of winning with shit versus caving into the proposal. "Will you … are you going to stay, Leonard?"

Caught completely off guard, both by the question and genuine need in his friend's voice, Leonard blurted out, "Probably not, Sheldon."

"Make it a condition… and… I'll do it."

The door was slammed … er slid closed and Leonard stared at the relief on the door for a second, before turning to Woolsey. Sheppard and Ronon were still arguing with Rodney in low voices but Woolsey ambled over to Leonard. "Well?"

"Ah… I …. He really wants to stay and will probably .. ah, agree and apologise. But…"

"But?"

Leonard considered lying, considered making it an ultimatum but went for honesty, "He wants me to stay."

"You are his roommate?" Woolsey quipped.

"Yeah…," Leonard drawled, a crease wrinkling his brow.

"Experienced in dealing with him?"

"As much as one could be."

Woolsey nodded, "If he agrees to work the late shift and stay away from Dr McKay, and stop harassing the infirmary, mess hall and laundry staff… ok."

Not even the prospect of being stuck with Sheldon in a small city, and being there for the sole purpose of 'handling' him, could diminish the incandescent joy at the idea of staying. Leonard beamed, "Deal."

Woolsey smiled in returned, "Dr Cooper has not agreed."

Leonard laughed, "Oh, he will. Trust me."

In the corner, Dr McKay's voice rose a few octaves, "He deleted every single episode of the Next Generation with Wesley Crusher in it. From the shared server!"

*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt*sga*tbbt

Life on Atlantis – Rocked.

It had taken some adjustment. Sheldon was his neighbor. They worked the late shift, every day. Leonard had his own lab within Engineering and was working on some truly fascinating projects. Sheldon was happily using the Ancient Database to test his theories and find practical applications for his wormhole equations. He and Rodney McKay corresponded over email only, which was monitored closely by Woolsey and involved a lot of all caps, red font and references to each other's pedigrees.

All in all, life was good.

They may not be allowed to leave Atlantis, but Sheldon had waged his own counter-offensive by making life on Atlantis just that more interesting. The majority of the civilians were nerds, geeks and fanboys/girls. And that meant a ready supply of people at first willing and then eager to engage in regular Halo, World of Warcraft, Starcraft, Old School Arcade and Zork game nights. Screenings of the director cut of Aliens, the extended LOTR trilogy, and Nolan's Batman were well attended and popular.

And with Leonard as a buffer slash translator slash mediator, there were fewer complaints and more violent Wii Sports Resort nights instead.

Oh yes, life was good.

Right up until the day Sheldon figured how to create a zero point module.

Dr Bill Lee firmly maintained for the rest of his life that he heard the screams of outraged, dismayed, heart-broken excitement from Rodney McKay back on Earth.

Fin.


End file.
